Grief is a natural emotional response to a significant loss. It can include sadness, confusion, anger, guilt, and many other feelings as you adjust to life after a loss.

What causes feelings of grief and loss?

Grief can result from the death of a loved one, loss of a relationship, major life changes, or even losing a sense of identity or security.

How can I cope with grief?

Healthy coping strategies include talking to others, acknowledging your feelings, and seeking professional support if grief becomes overwhelming.

Is there support for grief and loss in South Africa?

Yes. Precise Interventions offers professional therapeutic support to help individuals and families navigate grief and loss with compassion and guidance.

Dealing With Grief And Loss | Preciseinterventions

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GRIEF

LOSS

DEALING WITH

To mourn is a beautiful thing

To love something enough to feel its absence, where the mere mention of its name can pull emotions into your body, draw tears to your eyes, and a longing in your heart.

We carry the things we love with us; we carry the people we love with us, and in turn they carry us.

We hold space for the pattern of a routine, the weight of a head, the sound of a breath and the feel of familiarity.

"Truly we are carried; in bellies, in arms.

In love, in hope; in caskets, in urns.

In grief, in memories; our whole lives

And into the next; we are carried."

Sometimes we are the ones being carried, and sometimes we are the ones who must carry

It is hard. It is heavy.

It is the weight of memory, it is the weight of love, the weight of rituals and habits and of responsibility.

We cannot refuse the call to carry any more than we can deny the sun to rise.

Some think it selfish how we are compelled to mourn, others think it a privilege. Regardless of how you see it; the road of grief and loss it is hard, real, and long.

But, sure as the sun rises, you must walk it, and you must carry those who can no longer walk with you.

With love in our heart and grace in our step, we ask to walk with you.

We cannot carry your memory, nor feel your pain; those things are sacred to you, and you alone.

No, what we offer is companionship, trust, and the ability to step a little easier. Walk a little further, stand a little taller, and, eventually, cherish the memory you have carried for so long.

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GRIEF

LOSS

RECOGNISING FEELINGS OF

When we experience loss of any kind, our minds and our bodies respond; sometimes we respond straight away and other times we have a delayed response. Most times we experience a mixture of both.

First: the initial shock and the feelings and experiences that come immediately after the loss. These feelings and responses are unique to each person.

After the initial stage we may then move on to a secondary stage where the feelings and responses are familiar, but we may experience a few new ones.

Finally, we move on to the last stage; the stage where we have mourned for some time now, the initial and secondary feelings and responses are gone, and we feel fine.

We feel we have moved past this, as much as you can ever move past a loss, but the body and the mind are now behaving differently. We don’t see life the same as we did before, and we don’t always have control over what we say, think, or feel. We can react poorly for reasons we don’t understand.

Let’s look at what that means and how we can work through it.

Emotions are universal.

While we do not feel the same, we do understand what we mean when we use the terms: 'happy’, sad’, angry’, hurt’, etc. The same can be said about processing emotions. Becuase we are fundamentally different we do not process emotions the same way, but we all follow the same pattern for a healthy release of emotion.

First: we must acknowledge the emotion.

Second: we must give it space.

Third: we must let it go.

“To be known is to be loved.”

We don’t always know what we are feeling, most often we know we are feeling some semblance of ‘angry’, ‘happy’, ‘sad’, ‘scared’, and ‘disgust’.

These, we will call the ‘Five Parent Emotions’

These are often taught to us while we are still young, by caregivers, parents, story books, television shows, peers, and teachers. While these Five Parent Emotions are good and right, they do not encompass all we feel. They are parental emotions, they give way to many generations of emotions that we experience daily.

To help us learn about the many generations of emotions stemming from the Five Parent Emotions, we use something called a 'Feelings or Emotions Wheel.’ This Wheel depicts some of the emotions we feel and where they stem from. The Five Parent Emotions are at the center of the Wheel. The first generation of emotions are then depicted in the next layer around the center. The second generation in the second layer, and the third in the last layer.

DOWNLOAD FEELINGS WHEEL

Once we have named our feelings, we then need to feel them.

We need to feel it in our hearts, our minds, and our bodies. All emotions will feel different. Most of them will feel uncomfortable. But it is important that we feel them, and we allow them to be as uncomfortable as they need to be.

Take note of how these emotions make you feel: the memories they bring up, the thoughts they invite, the reactions of your body:

Perhaps you cry when you feel sad, or you tremble when you get angry.

Perhaps you think of all the times when you were forgotten when you feel lonely.

Perhaps you get nauseous when you feel scared.

Perhaps you remember your favorite song when you feel happy.

These are all ways emotions can present in the mind, heart and body. There is no right way to feel an emotion, and there is no wrong way.

These emotions are yours to feel and yours to understand.

Let them say all they need to say and do not interrupt.

We have named the emotion; we have heard the emotion. And now the emotion needs to go.

We need to release the emotion, we do this by talking, writing, and making the active decision to let it go. When we hold on to emotions and prevent them from leaving, we prevent healing and are unable to move on. We stunt our growth and restrict our ability to live fully. We do tremendous damage by stubbornly keeping our wounds fresh and open as evidence for a trial that will never come.

Letting go means more than not being sad or angry anymore:

It means having courage to close wounds that you didn’t open.

It means accepting that you may never have that opportunity again.

It means forgiving yourself for forgetting.

Forgiving yourself for wanting to move on

Extending kindness to the perpetrators of your loss as they should not be punished perpetually.

Accepting that perhaps the only apology you will receive is the one you make yourself.

Letting go encompasses allowing yourself to be whole again; not like you were before, but made new with the experiences you had and the actions you took to overcome.

Letting go takes time; forgiveness does not come easily.

Be gentle with yourself and know that it can and will come as you work on accepting it.

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GRIEF

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RELEASING FEELINGS OF

Now we know the steps, let us show you how to walk them:

Identify which of the Five Parent Emotions you are feeling

Name It: "I am feeling angry"

Move into the first generation of angry emotions and read through them slowly until you find one that resonates with you.

Name It: "I am feeling bitter"

Move into the second generation of Bitter emotions and read through them slowly until you find one that resonates with you.

Name It: "I am feeling violated"

Move into the third generation of violated emotions and read through them slowly until you find one that resonates with you.

Name It: "I am feeling disregarded"

You should be either speaking this process out or writing it down. When you have identified the third-generation emotion ‘disregarded’ allow that emotion to sit with you.

Speak or write about everything that emotion makes you feel, what it makes you think of, remember. Take note of how your body reacts to it and speak or write about that too.
Perhaps you cry, shake, close your eyes, tap your feet. However that emotion presents in your body.

Once we have let the emotion sit, felt all it has to offer, and written or spoken all there was to say. Thank it for coming, honor the work it does in protecting you, and say goodbye.

“I feel disregarded. I feel disregarded when my partner doesn’t pick up their socks. My feelings of disregard are real and true; disregard keeps me safe by helping me know when my boundaries are not respected. Thank you for keeping me safe. You can go now.”

We repeat this process until we are at peace.

Starting the process:

Courtroom of emotions:

For some people, this process works better if they imagine a courtroom where the emotions are being called to the stand to witness and testify. The person doing the feeling is then able to hear each emotion, why they are there, what they do, and what they need to have before they can leave. This helps them feel more in control of the process while still allowing the process to run smoothly and without interruption.

Open Chair:

Other people use what we refer to as ‘the open chair’. Where they will position an empty chair in the room with them for an imaginary or invisible person for them to talk this process through with them, they imagine a safe person with whom they can be vulnerable and speak freely. This allows the process to run smoothly and without interruption.

Written Words:

Others still, will confide in a journal, or an email or text message they will never send. For them, writing is how they release emotions and when they are able to feel safe enough to feel emotions fully.

Preoccupation:
Lastly, some people feel the need to keep busy in order to communicate any kind of emotion. This may look like someone who needs to be washing dishes before they can talk about how their day went. Someone who for whatever reason is unable to be fully present when an emotional subject needs addressing. Someone who has to knit, whittle, polish, fidget, or rock.

What is important is that you have a space where you are safe, vulnerable, and uninterrupted. Find a method that works for you. It may take a few tries, it may take a few days, weeks, or months. It can even take years.

Give yourself grace and kindness.

While Preoccupation enables the process to flow, it does need addressing in a different setting. Our relationship with our emotions should not be formed in the avoidance of them.

Now that you know the Process, we can share some tools for coping with grief and loss with you.

"Grief is not something to fix, but something to honour and carry.

The following tools won’t erase your pain, but they can help you feel more

supported, empowered, and present in your healing journey."

Nokuthula Mahlangu

The Woke Social Worker

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CONCLUSION

Some losses run deeper than others; some grief is ingrained into our bones.

It will be uncomfortable; it will be hard.

The loss you are feeling is real; the pain of releasing it will be equally real.

And the joy that will come from experiencing it fully will be tremendously real.

Some emotions are linked to memories, actions, thoughts, and patterns of behavior that will take more than this process to release and let go.

If you find yourself unable to move past a certain emotion, memory, action, feeling thought, or pattern of behavior, you may need additional assistance. We implore you to reach out as soon as possible so that you can find the peace you are looking for.

To move with grief and loss is hard.

It can feel incredibly lonely, it can feel ‘second best’.

The life you once had, the people you loved, the environments you enjoyed, the opportunities and prospects you entertained, the relationships you cherished.

Those have changed.

Oftentimes we find ourselves weeping bitterly for what was once and what could or should have been.

With time, patience, and intentional practice of the tools and methods in this manual, we can move on.

We may not want to.

To move on may sound like the greatest disrespect; but it is the greatest act of love to move on.

We do not ask nor teach that you abandon those and that which you loved so dearly in the name of self-development.

No.

We ask and teach that you embrace the pain of loss and allow it to change you. We ask and teach that you learn your grief and invite it to walk with you as you become new and whole once more.

Good luck, and go well.

Know that we are always here.

“But the thing is, even if I could go back, I wouldn’t belong there anymore.”

-Ccz